I Have Abnormal Heart Rhythms?

On Fridays I try to post something with my deep feeling, just because it will stay on the first page until Monday. =D It's a bit LONG. Here we go...

May 1st You know when your doctor says your heart beat isn't like normal heart beat but tells you "it's ok, usually nothing bad". She said it's fluting (maybe I heard wrong? I think fluttering). At first I'm like is that a Chinese word (she speaks to me in Cantonese), I don't know any medical terms. Um...what does usually mean? (I was shocked so I didn't ask her anything, plus I'm not a think fast person) Does it mean something may be wrong with me? Please don't tell me I have another sickness problem that I will have to face again! Did I do something bad? Why always torture me? "天" you are so unfair! You keep taking my happiness away from me! Is it enough yet? Should I still be thankful?

I'm not too worried but I am tearing (at least I didn't break down tearing at the mall like 3 years ago). Almost half a year of crying already because of these challenges in life, how I wish my tears can turn into pearls like that K drama, at least I can save them up and give them to my family if I'm not around someday. I just don't understand! If you want me gone, just get rid of me once and for all, don't torture me! T.T

Doctor didn't tell me to do any tests or anything so I guess it's not bad? I just have to take better care of myself? Mommy said no more junk food for me after I'm done the ones at home. =( (I'm still buying a bit when I grocery shop, SHHHHH! Don't tell my mom, I'm sure she can see them in the cabinets though) I hope nothing bad will ever happen, PLEASE! If so, let it happen when I'm 88 years old. I think by then I'll finish everything that I want to do in life? I just like the number 88, but take my life when I'm done everything, please!

So I looked it up, abnormal heart rhythms (arrhythmias), read some stuff, didn't want to read everything, didn't want to scare myself. I don't even take any of those substances that are listed! I don't do drugs, smoke, etc. Hardly drink, maybe once in a blue moon. I've never had heart surgery. I don't have most of the symptoms, at least I don't realize them. Doctor asked if I realize my own heart beat, uh, no, why would I if I'm breathing fine. I will notice it more from now on though. I remember I had shortness of breath after my surgery 3 years ago but I think I was fine after awhile. I did tell the other doctor (who did the surgery) but she didn't do anything about it. I'm feeling it right now maybe because I am tearing and my nose is plugged so I can't breath?

This is another reason why I don't really care anymore if I find someone or not because I don't even know what will happen to me next. Hey, if this is what "天" is giving me then I'll take it and face it happily and positively. I mean what else can I do right? Been through the pain once (different illness, nothing to do with the heart), just have to keep smiling.

Hm...was this caused by the recent heart break, joking. =D Well, kind of good to know now after it ended, at least I don't have to share an extra "maybe" bad news with "that person". Just thinking about telling someone I like about my illness is so hard (I thought about it in HK). Like who would want to be with someone that may get sick? In the future, if someone really likes me, I'm sure he would stay and fight together (will there be such a person? I hope) but I wouldn't want him to. I know how it feels watching someone go through pain. I also don't want to be a burden, I don't want to see people unhappy and worry. I rather face and suffer by myself no matter how hard it will be. 

*sigh* Why am I so grey anyways? The doctor didn't even say I'll get sick. I may be healthy until I become an old lady and die? Let it be. I'll keep putting that smile on my face. =) *wipe off tears and blow my nose*

May 2nd I wish the doctor didn't tell me anything because I'm thinking about my breathing. Sometimes I do feel like I have shortness of breath and I'm very tired today. I slept around 11 ish already, maybe because I'm working on numbers at work so I'm sleepy? Or is it this tea that I started drinking yesterday, "Midsummer Night's Dream", caffeine free, does it have ingredients that make people sleepy? I've been munching on candies and chocolates all day to keep myself awake, what is going on? I hope I'm just tired. I'm still going to do the charity run at the end of May, I'll be fine.

So, I told my nurse friend about it and she makes it sound like it's super serious...stop scaring me! She said the doctor should have made me do tests and investigate more. I guess my doctor should have, at least if the test turns out to be fine then that's good. Whatever, not gonna think about it and enjoy my life. When I check up again in 6 months, I'll ask her to do tests on me or something. 

May 3 I feel fine today, just didn't want to get out of bed and work. It started raining again since Monday. "天" are you sad too? I don't think so, if you are you wouldn't make me go through so much pain (challenges)...

May 4 Nurse friend said my heart beat sounds fine. I don't know, maybe it's a thing that happens sometimes? I will keep an eye on myself but it's hard. 3 years ago I didn't notice anything either until it got really serious (they are like silent killers). I don't know what life style I need to change. I don't do anything bad! I know I said I'm a meat eater but I eat tons of veggie when I'm home (just not when I eat out). I guess just eat less junk, sleep earlier and exercise everyday if I can? I honestly don't know...  =(

May 9 Um... I was checking on my beat... It was beat beat beat beeeeat beat beat beeeeeat, repeat (was the beeeeat a pause?). =( I only feel like I have shortness of breath at work, maybe I sit too much? I don't know... One challenge after another... If there are other bad stuff, just give it to me all at once, might as well, bring it on!

May 10 The beating is still same as above. Now that I can wear my sneaker flats to work I guess I'll walk around more and exercise at the same time.

May 11 Cry sky cry! Cry as hard as you can! It's all gloomy and raining quite hard today, not how I feel though. =) So, I was reading other sites on this problem. It said for prevention, reduce stress, uh, that's not something I can control, especially when there are so much problems and challenges in my life... I wish I have no stress at all too, it's impossible. Cut out on tea and chocolate (caffeine related products), I thought tea was good for you? I just drink plain tea, no milk, no sugar and usually drink rooibos which has no caffeine. Well I need to finish all my other tea or it will be a waste. Chocolate??? I love chocolates though! =( I'll eat less of it but I'm not cutting it all out. =) I thought chocolate is good for you too if you don't binge eat it. Or is that only for dark chocolate? I don't like dark chocolate much, so bitter. Life is already bitter, don't need more in my life. Don't get to eat this and that, what's the point of living then, you know I love eating! *sigh*

Some of you are probably thinking why I didn't say a thing about this problem for 2 weeks and I have been talking to you guys everyday. I honestly don't know how to say it, plus it's not confirmed. I'm not good at talking so the best thing is just for me to type it all out. Please don't worry about me, I'm fine. Man, I'm tearing at work again. >< 

This next part is for a friend, I only told nurse about it because she knows about these stuff. Just incase if you are wondering why I told her and not you. For some reason, I feel like you don't want to talk to me or something (If you don't, that's ok, I guess it's because of the reason that you told me before? I can feel that awkwardness during Thursday's dinner, in the beginning only. I'm sure nurse felt it too.), I tried to text but the convo dies every time so I just didn't say anything afterwards. I didn't want to bother you. I hope you understand. Just letting you know I care about our friendship and typing this made me tear. =) 

Something is wrong with me and tearing. Ever since meeting "that person" I tear so easily. I have no clue why. I've never teared so much before within 5 months.

May 12 Hm...seems like the earlier I sleep the more tired I am. Feeling tired today or is it because of the gloomy and rainy day again? Raining hard again... I did ask for sun yesterday, there is sun sometimes, thanks. Feeling shortness of breath again... I guess I can't sit...

Random moment, I was trying to look for another song that I heard from " No No Girl" drama but I found this instead, not bad. Music stops around 3:02. I know I said I'm tired of sad songs but I realized most of the songs are sad and they are so good.
MAROON 5- NOTHING LAST FOREVER
"I love you, but I'm letting go
It may not last, but I don't know
If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
Everyday
With every worthless word
We get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever; but be honest, babe
It hurts, but it may be the only way
Built a wall around my heart
I'll never let it fall apart
But, strangely, I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep"