Nothing to do while I wait for a friend for dinner. I wanted to go to a nice and quiet place to think things through. At first it was ok but then these people started smoking weed. Kill me! So I moved away. When I was about to leave I saw all these older men sitting in their cars. I was thinking...what are they doing in their cars? Some dog smelled my leg when I was siting around, I must have some little princess smell.
I love looking up at the sky but there weren't much cotton candy clouds. It's nice when I look up and those clouds move freely in the sky.
I was thinking about why again. I was asking "天" what happened? How did it get to this point? People can change that fast nowadays? Why do you always give me things that doesn't belong to me in the first place? I thought I told you I don't want anything that doesn't belong to me again. Why do you always give me hope and you take them away? Why?
Am I not being good enough in your eyes "天"? How good do you want me to be? Why do you only give me bad stuff in life? Did I do something horribly wrong so you have to torture me? What are you trying to tell me? You probably want me to learn from every bad thing but is it enough? Or is it because you think I still don't know how to tell who is good and who is bad yet. You want me to repeat all these bad stuff until I can tell the difference?
Well, I'll never be able to tell the difference. I can't tell who is true and who is not. I can't tell for this one, I can't tell for future ones, can they just tell me themselves how true they are towards me? I'm not smart enough. I don't ask for much, I just want good things to happen to me from now on. That's all I'm asking for, please!
One quote that I saw "sometimes I want to disappear but really I just want to be found". Kind of how I feel right now. Can anyone find me?
Typed 4/19. More feelings next Friday. Depends on if I really want to post it, I might just keep it as a draft forever.
4/26
WTF! I knew this would happen someday because I did that before to people (including my friends). But I didn't expect it to happen today just when I put "let 天 decide for me". Um...is this what 天 wants? It was super unexpected and not my intention at all! And I just have to send that particular message... I always message the wrong person and screw things up. I don't know why. I think I should just stop messaging people. Like seriously.
My heart kinda want to say something but it also tells me to just leave it. If he wanted to talk to me, he would have long ago but he didn't. If he cares he would message me again right? I'm so lost. I honestly didn't expect a reply. I thought he would just block me. That's why I'm lost right now but I honestly don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to risk another heart break but I'm different from other girls. I will always have the gut to try even though it may not be what I want. If it's not what I want, at least I tried my best. I'm not as strong as I look but life is about taking risks. Whatever happens, happens. Once again I'll let 天 decide for me on this one. If this is what 天 wants than let's see where it leads.
Out of the blu, the song title fit this post and maybe for myself too.
連詩雅 Shiga - 到此為止
"好好分開應要淡忘 你找到你伴侶
重臨舊情境 我卻哭得出眼淚
時常在聯想
然而自己現在沒任何權利 再抱怨一句
沒有勇氣相愛另一次
為你將睡眠忘記 通宵傾談 但已經頓成往事
還是記起 無道理的對罵是年紀小的不智
今天你能忘記 只得我懷念 多麼諷刺 (yea...)
輾轉反側將愛活埋 要把你印象減退
重提舊人物 我卻開心得帶恐懼
如何逃避這戀愛故事 仍然說得多細緻
重覆的震撼 餘震未停止
今天再回頭看 這一個男孩子
後悔過往的幼稚爭議
亦已經並無意義
閒話到此 遺憾到此 結論是回憶總要到此
雖則你難忘記 這戀愛遺物終需棄置
再好好過日子"
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