Thank you for talking to me, sending me locations, pictures and etc for so long (I honestly appreciate and liked it). Thank you for messaging me in the middle of the night (or morning) and I would wake up with messages. Thank you for calling me names, it made me happy. Thank you for saying good morning and good night, I liked that. All that made me feel important and happy but you stopped doing them. I should have realized long ago something was up but I didn't want to trust myself. Thank you for leading me on and giving me a false hope.
I would be really happy if you did come and talk things out but you choose not to. I was hoping things could work out. You just ended it yourself. It may seem like I ended it without a word but honestly what do you want me to say after what you have said. Those hurtful words that may not mean a thing to you but each word felt like knives stabbing into my heart.
I thought you were a good and true person but I don't know who you are anymore. I don't know what you are thinking about. You are not the person that I first talked to. You are not as talkative, as caring and as nice anymore (sometimes). You don't tell me anything anymore, even random stuff. I guess that just means you are not interested. If you were interested, why would you not remember things that we talked about (if not all, at least some to most? You did say you have a good memory...). I guess I'm not important to you. But why did you lead me on? Why didn't you tell me earlier?
I have been making excuses for so long because I hope I was wrong but maybe I was right all along. My gut is always so damn correct that sometimes I wish it wasn't. Things felt weird to me when we first met (even before the date, my gut was telling me something, remember I said something felt strange and we chat until almost 2am? Oh wait, you don't remember anything), stuff that you did made me felt like I was not important or you were not interested (walking off, looking at phone and watch, do you only do that to me? How important am I to you?). I didn't care because all I wanted was to meet you and know you and all the other stuff made up for it. I was surprised when you actually messaged me afterwards. I actually thought that was the end. Well... that was it...
Then things went downhill ever since you went on your trip, especially after those accidental messages that gave me a fishy feeling. I may be wrong, I don't know, I'll never know. I know you were busy and tired on your trip and I didn't want to be that girl and bother you (I did for maybe first 2 days?). I didn't say anything when you ignored and didn't reply to most of my messages (I really wanted to but who am I?).
I don't tell you what I'm doing or if I'm back home yet, it's because I want you to ask me yourself like you used to. I told you I'm going out with people you didn't even ask where and how was it (I guess you didn't care, I know we are just friends but you can still ask). I hoped we could talk like before, where things were fun and flirty. In a way, it felt like you were doing everything on purpose, trying to scare me away and stop talking to you. I don't understand. If that was your intention, you got it, you got everything that you wanted. You got me leaving broken hearted. Are you happy now?
All I wanted was to tell you how I felt in person when you were back. I don't like talking about these stuff through messaging because it can give a different tone or feeling. I held it all in for 3 weeks. So long that in the end you tell me you are not comfortable to meet. You decided to just let things end. Why are you not comfortable? I'm not gonna bite your head off if it doesn't go well. I didn't expect that as an answer and I was hurt. That's not what a responsible good guy should do. Good guys don't avoid problems, they will talk things out even if they want to end things. You gave up without trying to talk things out. Why? I know if you can do this to me once, you will do it again and again.
I thought this could work because you waited for me until I got back from vacation and it lasted for pretty long. I thought you would be worth it. I thought this could be it because I felt comfortable, it's like we knew each other forever. We could talk about pretty much anything and we had some things in common (how often do you find someone like that? You are the second one and I'm sure it will happen again). I thought this could work because I thought you seem like a nice (true) person and I don't expect much anymore anyways. I thought this is it because of all those empty hopes that you talked about in the beginning.
You said it would be nice if I was there a day before your trip ended, did you really mean it or you were just trying to lead me on? You once said I'm easy going (you probably don't remember that either), I am but that doesn't mean I will let people mistreat me. I would confront and work things out if possible. I'm easy going but I ain't EASY.
I had a bunch of what if's in mind. What if we never met until you come back from your trip? What if you never went on the trip? What if I never asked if you remember anything? What if I waited until the 14th? What if we hang out more instead of messaging, at least more interaction. What if I never "liked" you back? Would it be different? But does it even matter? Everything happens for a reason.
Thank you for another life experience. I hope you could read this but don't think you would, you don't care anymore. If you do, I hope you felt bad. If you didn't, I guess you are just another heartless guy. Thank you for making me stronger and making me love myself more. Good luck to you! No hate, I'm just disappointed. I guess we were just not meant to be. Just another right timing, wrong person. But I still have to say this, your loss, not mine. You just let a gem go. I'll just be another man's treasure, not yours. Thank you for bringing me one step closer to the one.
Manager said the ball is in your court but I know you won't do anything. I feel like you already have someone else that's why things went downhill and you are not willing to meet and talk (or you just had enough of me). I may be wrong but if I'm right...I have nothing to say. Honestly, I didn't want it to end (it didn't even start) but if "天" wants it this way, I'll let it be. Maybe "天" thinks I deserve better too? Maybe we'll meet again someday? It's a small world after all. I just found out we have a third mutual friend and this one...I'm somewhat close to... well, my brother is close with him. Thank you for everything.
I want to say I'm a human, I have feelings. I have days where I'm unhappy. I always smile but doesn't mean I can be happy 24/7. I wish I can. I wish you asked what's wrong in a different way and not use that word. It also didn't give a good tone.
Out of the blu, I had another song but I think this song fit better. =(
胡鴻鈞 - 心淡
"想不起 怎麼會病到不分好歹 連受苦都甜美
我每日捱著 不睬不理 但卻捱不死 又去癡纏你
難道終此一生 都要這麼 不可爭一口氣
很謙卑 只不過是我太過愛你 連自尊都忘記
跌到極麻木 只好相信 又再爬得起 就會有轉機
若我不懂憎你 如何離別你 亦怕不會飛
一天一點傷心過 這一百數十晚
大概也夠我 送我來回地獄又折返人間
春天分手 秋天會習慣 苦沖開了便淡
說甚麼再平反
付清 賬單 平靜的 對你熱度退減
苦沖開了便淡"
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